Tag Archive: HUMOR


Blind Date

Where were you in 1987?

Remember when Bruce Willis did comedy, and had hair?  Check out this “blast from the past”:

Blind Date Corporate workaholic Walter Davis needs a date for an important business dinner. His brother fixes him up with beautiful Louisiana belle Nadia Gates. However, a seemingly average blind date turns into a chaotic night on the town.

Source: Blind Date

No. 5 on list at this link; click on arrow to left of “bitrate”

TALKED ABOUT LOVER  (AT START OF FILM WHILE FRANTICALLY GETTING DRESSED)

Florida Hurricane Evacuation Plan

Just found out that Pacific Paratrooper lives in Hurricane Alley…

Thanks for this pic; be safe, G.P.

Atheist jokes

Due to the vagarities of English, (note my previous post)  I wanted to double check the spelling of “Atheist” – “I before E, except after C,” doesn’t apply here.  This somehow led to an item in the search engine on Atheist jokes.  And folks wonder why I call it the Wild,Wild,Web…  Ergo:

Q: Why did the atheist throw her watch out the window?
A: She wanted to see if it was designed intelligently enough to evolve into a bird.

Q: What is so ironic about Atheists?
A: They’re always talking about God.

Q: How does an Atheist girl have her hair done?
A: In big bangs!

Q: What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do?
A: Stays awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

Q: Why did the Atheist cross the road?
A: He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn’t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.

Q: Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations?
A: Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

Two cannibals are eating an atheist, and one says to the other,
“Can you believe the way this guy tastes?”

Fly in My Soup

Atheist: What’s this fly doing in my soup?
Waiter: Praying.
Atheist: Very funny. I can’t eat this. Take it back.
Waiter: You see? The fly’s prayers were answered.

Genie in the Lamp

An atheist buys an Ancient Roman Catholic lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it.
Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, “I’ll grant you three wishes, Master.”
The atheist says, “I wish I could believe in you.”
The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him.
The atheist says, “Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this.”
The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies.
“What about your third wish?” asks the genie.
“Well,” says the atheist, “I wish for a billion dollars.”
The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens.
“What’s wrong?” asks the atheist.
The genie shrugs and says, “Just because you believe in me, doesn’t necessarily mean that I really exist.”

Neighbors
A Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist

There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist.
Every day, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her.
He thought to himself, “She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that.  Doesn’t she know there isn’t a God?”

Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying ” Lady, why do you pray all the time?  Don’t you know there is no God?”  But she kept on praying.

One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do.  As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, “Humph! I’ll fix her.”

He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do.  When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting everywhere!  The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, “You ol’ crazy lady, God didn’t buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!”  At hearing this, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.

When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was.  She said, “I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn’t know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!”

But First…

 My long time Veteran friend from long gone J.Jab, sent another “Daily Groaner” to brighten my day.  Especially apropos for those who are professional procrastinators…

But First…

I have a condition often found in folks of my age. The scientific world has not yet officially recognized it as a disease. Therefore many other people may suffer from and may not as yet have been diagnosed. However, now you may be able to discuss it with your loved ones and try to explain what really happened to you all those times you tried so hard to accomplish something and didn’t…

It’s call it the “BUTFIRST Syndrome.”

Here are the symptoms:

I decide to mow the lawn. I start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. Okay, I’m going to mow. BUTFIRST I’m going to read the newspaper.

After that, I notice the mail on the table. Okay, I’ll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack. BUTFIRST I’ll look through that pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Now where’s the checkbook?

Oops! There’s the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I’m going to look for that checkbook. BUTFIRST I need to put the glass in the sink.

I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the garden need a drink of water. I put the glass in the sink, and darn it, there’s the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What’s it doing here? I’ll just put it away. BUTFIRST I need to water those plants.

Head for door and Ack! I stepped on the dog. The dog needs to be fed. Okay, I’ll put that remote away and then water the plants. BUTFIRST I need to feed the dog.

At the end of day:

Mowing is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are unpaid, checkbook is still missing, and the dog ate the remote control.

AND, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done all day, I’m baffled, because I KNOW I was BUSY ALL DAY!

I realize this condition is serious…and I should get help…BUTFIRST I think I’ll read all my email !!!!

*        *        *        *        *        *        *       *        *

My own two cents… MEOW! lol

 Garfield

False Teeth

false teeth2

False Teeth

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said, “I forgot my teeth!”

The man said, “No problem.”  With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. “Try these,” he said.

The speaker tried them.  “Thanks, but they’re too loose,” he said.

The man then said, “I have another pair… try these.”

The speaker tried them and responded, “Too tight.”

The man was not taken back at all.  He then said, “I have one more pair… Try them.”

The speaker said, “They fit perfectly!”  With that he ate his meal and gave his address.

After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.  “I want to thank you for coming to my aid.  Where is your office?  I’ve been looking for a good dentist.”

The man replied, “Oh I’m not a dentist.  I work at the morgue.”

Another update; this is sad. I hadn’t known of this comedian’s death, until I sought a replacement for another video that “doesn’t exist” which I originally posted on Oct 21st 2011. Mr. Bridges passed away in 2012,  very likely to the pleasure of the Liar in Chief.  I kept the preface to the original video:

Steve Bridges is the guy who imitated George Bush on the Jay Leno Show. He has now started imitating Obama and REALLY does it well. The Administration has tried to put a stop to Bridges’ act because Obama has made it known that he is deeply offended. So please do your part to keep the Pretender-In-Chief “deeply offended” by passing this around…

Indeed, keep passing these around.  More info from their YT site below the third video   X.

Steve Bridges as President Obama – January 2010 – Pt 1

Steve Bridges as President Obama – January 2010 – Pt 2

Steve Bridges as President Obama – August 2011

STEVE BRIDGES 1963-2012

It is with great sadness that we announce the death of Steve Bridges. His passing comes as a shock to all of us. The cause of death is not known at this time, but we will publish more information on his website (http://stevebridges.com) as it becomes available. Steve brought joy and laughter to millions and was a great inspiration to all who knew him. He will be sadly missed. Our prayers go to his family at this time.

Part 1 – Comedian-impressionist Steve Bridges performs in prosthetic makeup as Barack Obama. For more information visit http://stevebridges.com

Watch Steve’s newest video as President Obama: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WH_a0c…

About Steve Bridges

Every American boy is told they might grow up to be President of the United States. Steve Bridges never doubted his father’s words, but immediately started to mimic them. From a very early age, Bridges entertained his family and friends with uncanny, hilarious impressions of anyone within earshot.

When Bridges’ family eventually settled in California, he set to work honing his performance skills. As a young man, he obtained extensive acting and voice-over coaching in Los Angeles, even spending time with the notorious Groundlings improvisation troupe.

Bridges developed a repertoire of over 200 impressions, including TV characters Barney Fife and Homer Simpson, broadcasters Tom Brokaw, Paul Harvey and Rush Limbaugh; but it was his chilling embodiment of political leaders Bill Clinton and Al Gore that rapidly established him as a premiere vocal impressionist.

Applying “executive” skills and vision, Bridges gathered a “creative cabinet” in 2002 that has changed the world of comedy. He engaged the Academy Award-winning prosthetic make-up artist, Kevin Haney and Evan Davis’ Headwriters comedy staff, creating a formula for the perfect President George W. Bush.

Today the Bridges’ team presents Steve as President Barack Obama, featuring the amazing talent of prosthetic makeup artist, Kazu Tsuji. Late-night comedians might struggle to find humor about this president, but Steve easily mines brilliant, topical humor as he has over the last ten years.

The Bridges team is also proud to announce a new show – “The Global Economic Smackdown”, featuring Steve without make-up performing over forty vocal impressions of world leaders and show business personalities in an hilarious international town hall.

Whether he’s in state-of-the-art prosthetic make-up or just performing sparkling, rapid-fire impressions, Steve Bridges evokes bipartisan laughs that entertain any crowd. Staying above the political fray, Bridges elicits raves from both sides of the aisle. Bridges’ material is always refreshing, topical, and funny to both right and left.

Steve humbly admits that he could never be the real commander-in-chief, but when it comes to American political impressionists, Washington insiders and comedy pollsters have voted Steve Bridges to be undisputed “leader of the free world”.

This is an update.  While checking out my political satire videos, this one was gone.  However, it wasn’t YouTube this time. Apparently Dan Edward Hubbell is no longer with PAN; I had published it directly from his post there instead of from YT on March 7, 2012… I request (Re the notice on my header)  to be notified when this occurs.

Literal Translations…

320px-Barack_Obama_signature_svgWhat it looks like:  A big P—k

What it is:  Barack Obama’s signature – Oops, I’m being redundant…

Inspired by  Hammerhead Combat Systems post:

 Humor: Giant Handguns on Skateboards

If you want humor, find the Political Cartoons tab on my header; hover and click on Political Satire Videos.  I just had to update one of them; the original “didn’t exist”… Hogwash! Apparently, the artist must have deleted his YT channel. The video was carried elsewhere on YT, and I was able to recover it.

Enjoy:

Small weapons can work

My veteran friend sent this.  I’d at first thought that this was a serious e-mail, not another  satirical humor offering.  Brings to mind the expression “Hell hath no fury…”

 

Florida woman stops alligator attack with a small Beretta pistol.

INBOX5077df7ec2825e6ba7e726d50c6a7c0a3858

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. She was asked, what is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? “A Beretta Jetfire,” she answered! [A nice testimonial for the Baretta Jetfire].

Here is her story in her own words

“While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages with my soon-to-be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. Alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my estranged husband’s knee cap was all it took. The ‘gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

 It’s one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible!”

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