Category: satire


Life

While I try to not get caught up in ranting about mundane things, we all have our “had enough” moments. In that vein, I therefore submit two videos which sums it up:

The Woman Marine Pilot

This bit of satire from an e-mail forwarded to a friend, who then shared it with me. Edited for content.

Subject: The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:  Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.  There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.   

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.

Janie, do you have a story to share?’

”Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.

She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory,

and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break,

and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol,

until she ran out of bullets,

killed four more with the knife,

till the blade broke,

and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

”Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher.

‘What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

“Stay the f**k away from Mommy when she’s been drinking.”

Five tiny cars with a Suicide streak

The real title of the ad featuring these pics is “5 tiny cars with a green streak”.  The last entry is one I have yet to see -thank God-;  though I did see a so-called green car so tiny that a golf cart would look large in comparison.  I don’t care how many air bags they have; IMHO that’s so the first responders won’t have to look for the bodies.

Also, like every vehicle newer than the 2002 models, they have sensors (computer controls) which will cost you a small fortune when they go “Looney Tunes”.

Ask any Ford owner with a model newer than 2002 with the obnoxious gas cap sensor…  If you don’t tighten it enough for the system’s satisfaction,  you’ll get the check engine symbol; if you can’t go to one of the auto parts locations which will give you a free description of the damn code, that will cost you just to find out what the problem is.  Then, you must go to the (!!!) dealership and pay out the -omitted- to have them reset it; it won’t just let you tighten the cap a bit more.

These vehicles would lose if they had a head on collision with a DOG, never mind any real sedan, or truck.

CAVEAT EMPTOR. [ Latin – Let the buyer beware.]   ‘Nuff Said.

Smart fortwo electric drive

Smart fortwo electric drive

  • Starting price: $25,000, coupe; $28,000, cabriolet

  • Gas mileage:

    • City – 122 mpg

    • Highway – 93 mpg

This Smart electric model has been tested and perfected on European roadways since 2007. While the 2012 EV model was available for lease only in the U.S., you can buy the 2013 model outright.

 

Chevy Spark LS

Chevy Spark LS © General Motors

  • Starting price: $12,185, manual; $13,920, automatic

  • Gas mileage:

    • City – 28 mpg

    • Highway – 37 mpg (automatic)

The four-passenger Chevy Spark comes in a pallet of fun colors — salsa red, jalapeno green and techno pink. It is a tiny car, with an affordable price and great safety features such as 10 air bags.

 

Fiat 500 Pop

Fiat 500 Pop

  • Starting price: $16,000

  • Gas mileage:

    • City – 31 mpg

    • Highway – 40 mpg

There’s something distinctly European about the Fiat 500, with its soft, rounded edges and stylish interior. The four-passenger Fiat 500 Pop is powered by a 1.4-liter four-cylinder engine that produces 101 horsepower. It comes in five model options, but the Turbo and Abarth versions are the zippiest, with 135 and 160 horsepower, respectively. Passengers are protected by seven air bags, traction control and a tire pressure monitoring system.

Mitsubishi i-MiEV

Mitsubishi i-MiEV

  • Starting price: $29,125

  • Gas mileage: 112 mpg

Egg-shaped and almost geeky in appearance, the four-passenger Mitsubishi i-MiEV is an all-electric vehicle with 63 horsepower, according to Consumer Reports. And, it can make a top speed of 81 mph. But most owners of this EV won’t ever need to push it to top speed. This is a car that is meant to tool around city streets.

 

Hiriko

Hiriko

  • Starting price: $16,000 (estimated)

  • Gas mileage: 200 mpg (estimated)

This futuristic pod-like car is the smallest of the mini cars, especially when it collapses to less than 5 feet long to squeeze into a city parking spot. That’s right, the car actually folds up. It also has other delightful toy-like features, such as the ability to move 360 degrees on its own axis and a joystick that replaces a steering wheel. It will get from zero to 70 kilometers per hour (about 43 miles per hour) in eight seconds and has a range of 75 miles before needing a charge. It will get an equivalent of 200 mpg as an electric car, according to an ABC News report.

This super-tiny car has seating for two and was created in collaboration between the Massachusetts Institution of Technology Media Lab and Spain’s Basque Center for Innovation to be an urban car. It is being developed by a consortium of seven firms in Spain’s Basque region, according to the World Intellectual Property Organization. It is set to go into production this year, with 9,000 units produced annually by 2015.

 

Atheist jokes

Due to the vagarities of English, (note my previous post)  I wanted to double check the spelling of “Atheist” – “I before E, except after C,” doesn’t apply here.  This somehow led to an item in the search engine on Atheist jokes.  And folks wonder why I call it the Wild,Wild,Web…  Ergo:

Q: Why did the atheist throw her watch out the window?
A: She wanted to see if it was designed intelligently enough to evolve into a bird.

Q: What is so ironic about Atheists?
A: They’re always talking about God.

Q: How does an Atheist girl have her hair done?
A: In big bangs!

Q: What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do?
A: Stays awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

Q: Why did the Atheist cross the road?
A: He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn’t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.

Q: Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations?
A: Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

Two cannibals are eating an atheist, and one says to the other,
“Can you believe the way this guy tastes?”

Fly in My Soup

Atheist: What’s this fly doing in my soup?
Waiter: Praying.
Atheist: Very funny. I can’t eat this. Take it back.
Waiter: You see? The fly’s prayers were answered.

Genie in the Lamp

An atheist buys an Ancient Roman Catholic lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it.
Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, “I’ll grant you three wishes, Master.”
The atheist says, “I wish I could believe in you.”
The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him.
The atheist says, “Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this.”
The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies.
“What about your third wish?” asks the genie.
“Well,” says the atheist, “I wish for a billion dollars.”
The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens.
“What’s wrong?” asks the atheist.
The genie shrugs and says, “Just because you believe in me, doesn’t necessarily mean that I really exist.”

Neighbors
A Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist

There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist.
Every day, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her.
He thought to himself, “She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that.  Doesn’t she know there isn’t a God?”

Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying ” Lady, why do you pray all the time?  Don’t you know there is no God?”  But she kept on praying.

One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do.  As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, “Humph! I’ll fix her.”

He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do.  When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting everywhere!  The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, “You ol’ crazy lady, God didn’t buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!”  At hearing this, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.

When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was.  She said, “I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn’t know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!”

This was carefully constructed to match the syllables of the original lyrics.

If you’re unsure, dig out your copy of  Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

[Sung to “WHEN I’M SIXTY-FOUR”]

When we go voting, this November,
Coming very soon
Just what will the outcome of those ballots be
Will we stop this insanity?

Will we get Trump, or Hitlery,
Heaven only knows,
Will the election, bring us redemption     
What the votes will show

Hang on every word,
Wait with baited breath,
As results come in.

Wait for statistics, projected polls,
Early results in,
Sit up half the night for the late returns
Damn California, what’s the word,

Returns keep coming, outcome unclear,
Can’t take no more snow,
Will the election, bring us redemption
What the votes will show

Service people will their votes be counted,
Or be “late” again, and not recognized,
Digital charades
Zero’s and One’s be there
Don’t you steal away!

Projected polls, don’t call too soon,
We won’t be amused,
Indicate precisely what the numbers say
Pull your heads out, don’t lie today

When it’s all over, then we will see
Numbers are now known,
Will the election, bring us redemption
What the votes will show

BTW; this June 18th, Paul McCartney will be 74… FEEL OLD?

Prisoner Photos_0002_2

Am experiencing a mixture of humor, high annoyance and frustration; while I’m not given to “ranting”, today is an exception to that self imposed rule.  I avoid certain subjects on the Wild,Wild,Web so as to avoid its pitfalls.  This is an invitation to read between the lines…

A good position I no longer have, since last year, has had me making use of a state entity to rectify the situation.  This brings me to one of my continued peeves.  I have some select friends, all long term, whom I have known much longer than some “surveyors” “telemarketers”, and a much less accurate and  socially objectionable description, involving their mother’s delighted squeals to indicate their conception, have been alive.

Since I need to stay “optimistic” to receive legitimate calls for an interview, the telephone has become a mixed bag again; I have lived at my current number long enough that I shouldn’t have to deal with this flotsam, but it seems that I acquired a new generation of said “telemarketers”, and/or other unknown undesirables.

One or more persistent ones who insist on calling every day, hang up when I come on the line after two rings, before my answering machine picks up.  Yes answering machine, NOT voicemail; (read between the lines) In the past, I have used an effective means of ridding myself of those … individuals, (that’s me stifling myself) but now, I’d risk a prospective legitimate caller thinking they called the wrong number.  The method is quite satisfactory, and uses humorous, satirical, announcements on said answering machine.

An old favorite is one I picked up on the web; which states:

“This is the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.” “We know who you are, and why you’re calling, so at the tone just hang up.”

It would be most unfortunate to have a person calling to offer an interview hear that one…

Another is one of my own creation –

“This is not an answering machine.”  “It is a questioning machine; and the question is; WHY are you calling?”  “Leave a message at the tone”.

Sigh…

Despite the so-called efficiency of this “information age”, there are areas which are something akin to that dreaded menace which sometimes affects those with -ahem- “mobile devices”,  known as the dropped call.  I have been at my current location well over five years; nevertheless, I still get “mail” addressed to individuals (over eight different names at last count) who have long since moved on.  My only recourse is to bring them to the post office; writing “not at this address” seems to go nowhere.

We all experience PC, (OK, wise guys, so most now have Laptops) blues; either the service provider, or the IT’s at an entity such as
Pinterest, WordPress, etc. who never heard the phrase “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”…  When these people decide to “redecorate the living room” no concern is paid to the subscriber, who experiences computer behavior erratic enough to force a security scan to make sure no virus or other malevolence has taken over.

Web friends, who are at least as -if not more intelligent than I-  are a source of encouragement; however -Snark- some of them insist on habits that derail their sense of well being, although they -Aswan, Hoover, Glen Canyon-  well know better.

So you, my articulate one, who just expressed an affinity for doughnuts with bacon as a breakfast, enjoy the consequences of that gastronomic disaster.

Just for the record, I used to have a “thing” for doughnuts, until I found out that -apart from the negatives of white sugar, and white flour- each one has more fat than entire loaf of bread.    ‘Nuff said.

 

 

 

 

 

In view of the recent horrific events, [Re IS, Paris, more recently Brussels; and the issue of “refugees” flooding into Europe] a total moratorium on any Muslim immigration here is essential  imperative to our own safety.

Unfortunately, the Regime has already permitted this.  The last thing we need is another Paris or worse here.

I had posted this on Aug 19, 2014, long before this egregious side effect of mass immigration occurred; as such it isn’t reflected in the video.  Political correctness, and multiculturalism needs to die, before it does us in.  This November, we don’t want to be “Stuck in the Middle” with another pathological liar in the Whitehouse. You don’t have to “like” Trump, but you MUST be responsible and VOTE; not sit out and hand the Executive Branch to Hitlery Clinton.

Stuck in the middle with you

Literal Translations…

320px-Barack_Obama_signature_svgWhat it looks like:  A big P—k

What it is:  Barack Obama’s signature – Oops, I’m being redundant…

Inspired by  Hammerhead Combat Systems post:

 Humor: Giant Handguns on Skateboards

“Daily Groaner”

My veteran friend sent another zinger…  I can’t imagine where he gets these; when my e-mail contains a title “Daily Groaner”, I can usually expect a rather masterful use of puns, hillbilly stories, or military humor.  But for the second time this week Monty Python came out to play…

 

 

Dear Tide:M%20Moseley1006cd6d95d6fb0a403853ba9a9800045517

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have.

I’ve used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my middle years, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative. Then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write to the Hefty bag people.

Sincerely,

Marge

 M%20Moseley100687cea9ca7db3e98935a532d367925487

Small weapons can work

My veteran friend sent this.  I’d at first thought that this was a serious e-mail, not another  satirical humor offering.  Brings to mind the expression “Hell hath no fury…”

 

Florida woman stops alligator attack with a small Beretta pistol.

INBOX5077df7ec2825e6ba7e726d50c6a7c0a3858

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. She was asked, what is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? “A Beretta Jetfire,” she answered! [A nice testimonial for the Baretta Jetfire].

Here is her story in her own words

“While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages with my soon-to-be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. Alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my estranged husband’s knee cap was all it took. The ‘gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

 It’s one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible!”

THE RIPENING WANDERER

https://theripeningwanderer.com/

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